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Before I start in on my stuff, we've got a granddaughter that's at church camp. And she says, Mimi, I'm really looking forward to leaving my phone at the house. I really like it. And thank you, Allie Seyfried, our resident senator, for helping with the whole thing with the phones at school and the technology. And it's made a huge difference in my grandkids and friendships and people opening up. And so that's just a little plug there. Anyway, I'm going to do better if I stand up, OK? So I'm just... So I'm in. My part is training up a child in the way he should go so that when he's old, he will not depart. And I think some of our questions are, and they're always our questions, well, if you look at the father and how he trains us, it's the same thing, OK? It's discipling.
It's the same track of discipleship that we are on. And so the same things that you're training your children, the Holy Spirit's training us in the same thing. And that's what's the beauty about this, is that things, principles are principles. How you apply them to a toddler is going to be different than a teenager, but it's the same principle. And it's the same principle that you and I live by, OK? So if I say something and you're like, oh, well, my kid's not that age. No. This is for all of us, because we're all children, aren't we? We're all his kids. So how do I know what to put into my children? And I think that this is where we kind of are. When we were growing up, OK, just the general population or the public schools really would almost be considered Christian schools now, OK? So it was just the general way of life. Well, it's not that way anymore. And so how do I figure out what to put in my kids?
And how to disciple them? So we've got to start at the beginning. What is truth? And where does it come from? Because what I'm supposed to be doing is training my child and developing their character into the character of Christ. So where do I find it? Not in a self-help book, not in getting a book club together and everybody throwing in their opinions in the center of the table. And whoever is the loudest, well, that's the one that we take, OK? OK? Truth is God's word. And we can either agree with it or we can choose not to agree with it. But it doesn't change the truth. And people don't want, even talking about it, people will say, oh, that's legalistic. Are you telling me that the Bible's legalistic? Are you telling me that the Ten Commandments are legalistic? A lot of people think of that. What do we think of it? Freedom. It brings freedom to us. It brings life to us. So don't back away. Don't back away from the truth. Call sin, sin. The reason we don't like it is because when you are confronted with sin, the whole truth versus sin thing comes to light, doesn't it? And we start, we feel the guilt. We feel the shame. We feel those things, OK? But don't sugarcoat, OK? Because that's what our society has done. So don't do that. Moral decisions are the things that we're talking about, OK? We're not talking about preferences. You know, do you want a hot dog or do you want a hamburger?
Well, no, those are not the choices that we're talking about. You're talking about moral rightness and wrongness of things. And you are to develop their conscience, OK? There's part of our conscience that, you know, you're just, well, I have a little thing here. I'm kind of getting ahead of myself. But, you know, we all have some type of a right and wrongness, OK? But we develop our character. We can make it, I mean, our conscience. We can make it sensitive. We put in the word so that that goes off in your child or in yourself. You know, you can harden your heart. So how do I know what an absolute is, OK? It is good for all people, places, and time. It is objective. It is outside of your opinion. It is for all people and all places. People, there's only one thing that can fill that bill, and that's the Word. Because there's nothing else that is truly outside of our opinion, OK? So it is objective. I'm talking about the objective things that are true all the time. Subjective things, they're subject to circumstances and all that kind of stuff.
Those would not be the principles and the moral barometer that you are trying to put into your child, OK? OK? How do I know quickly what some of those things, the law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy. People, we can trust them, OK? Making wise the simple. My gosh, we all feel simple, right? This is how you're going to become wise. So a precept is like a rule. It's, we could say the Ten Commandments are ten precepts, OK?
But there are principles behind every precept. And if you think about it, if you think about it, think a principle applies to more than one thing, all right? Think of it like an umbrella. And there were these things, I told Katie when I saw it, I said, oh, Katie, you could get up here and teach these things. But when you find these little things that have helped, and they've stood the test of time, because she's heard all this stuff, bless her. But we used to call them the three Ps. The precept, then the principle, and it should always lead you back to the person of God. And if you will take the three Ps, and put those to the test, then you will be able to put in those ingredients that are going to bring your child and help them know how to reason, OK? Because you're going to reason by principle. Because there's a million different ways to walk out purity. But purity is the principle, OK? And so your conscience, if you have developed it, your alarm will go off, won't it? And you can, you can harden your heart and go, you know, around it. But you've got to admit that God is God, and that you are not him. And that if you submit it to him, there are things called the four Cs. And it was how to make a choice. This is mind-boggling to me, and it really helped me. Half the time, we're asking ourself the wrong question. That we're looking at a choice that isn't even the right choice. And choices, if you can think of like a colander, and you're, you're shaking it down and you're trying to find the principle, OK? So let's just say, I don't know, if I, I'm filling out a job application, I really need this job. I really think the Lord wants me to have this job, but there's a question on here. And if I really fill it out, you know, truthfully, I'm going to lose this job. And I just know he doesn't want me to lose this job because, you know, he wants me to be happy and he wants to me provide, and he wants me to blah, blah, blah, blah. And so I really don't know what I should do, you know, should I, this, this, that. Well, you're asking yourself the wrong question. There's really only one question.
So what's the principle? Is it truth? Is it honest? Are you being honest? It doesn't matter the circumstance of the whole thing. You shake that thing down and that's the question. Am I being honest? So all of these, I mean, almost everything, a moral choice can be shaken down to a principle. And once you kind of get this, it takes away all the gray area. It's not that the other things are not important and you can figure those things out later. But you go back to the principle and some, some of the principles that are easy, like purity, honesty, justice, love, generosity, mercy. And have you noticed that these are all the attributes of God? That's the way you find them. Who is he? He is da, da, da.
And that's a principle. And again, there's all kinds of circumstances that will go, but you're trying to put these into your, into your children. Control has become a bad word and you cannot train what you have not controlled. And, you know, I'm sorry. It's not a bad word. God trains us, but we have to give him control. Don't we? We have to say, well, it's me. I'm a sinner and I need you as a savior. And Lord, come and control my life. Come and help me and show me how to live. And so there are many books that I brought just because I told people I would bring books if they want to see, you know, some good books. But we used to say, you better get a hold of the kitten before you wrestle the tiger. When do you start? Let's just say purity or modesty. Not when they're 15. You've lost it by then. I mean, I'm not saying you can't. But you know what I'm saying? You're wrestling with a tiger. When you could have trained the kitten and then the principal is there and you never have to wrestle the tiger. Okay?
The things that you take care of early because everything grows, doesn't it? Whatever you feed grows. Whatever you starve dies. So there's a good analogy and these have stood the test of time and it's a discipleship track. But if you start with kids. If you start with kids ages zero to five years. Now remember, the goal here is relationship. You're not going to start with friendship. That's where you want to end up. Okay? And it's done by relationship. The father does the same thing. When he called the disciples, there was a point at which he said, I no longer call you my servants. Okay? So you grow in this.
But at the beginning, like ages zero to five, you are establishing the right to leave. You are the authority. And that's not a bad word and that's not legalistic and that's not being too strict. But you're training them to hear your voice. Just like the father trains us to hear his voice. And these are the foundation things. You're not going to be explaining to a three-year-old, right? Because they cannot reason yet like that. It is your commands out of love and you're protecting them. And you're guiding them by putting in the boundaries. You know, first-time obedience. Oh, and by the way, there's no such thing as half obedience or just a little bit of obedience. That's disobedience. Okay? And I know I'm going fast. I know I am. But I felt like the Holy Spirit had said, get as many tools out here that I possibly can. Okay? So that's why I'm going so fast. Having boundaries is for freedom. Okay? When somebody's running across the road and you say stop, it can be life or death, people. Just like with us, if we don't listen to the father. And yes, natural consequences are part of discipline. But the natural consequence of them getting hit by a car, okay? All right. Knowing how to do the right and why we do right are two different things. So usually around three or four, you're going to start. You're going to start including a moral or a practical reason, very short, while you're teaching and correcting. Okay? Because when they're a little bitty, the whole reason is because I'm mom and we're mom and dad. And we've been given this tremendous gift to steward this child. Okay? But we're laying the foundation. We're starting to put deposits into their conscience. And we continue throughout to develop it. Okay? You're starting. You're starting to develop that. And, you know, there's your conscience can prohibit you, right? There are things that it's prohibitive. And then there are things that are positive. It points you in both ways. You stop doing something because you know that it's the wrong thing to do. But yet it prompts you to do the right thing also. So sometimes we get to don't do that. No. Don't be uncomfortable. Don't be uncomfortable. Well, that's true.
But we need to say, and this is how you are kind. And so there's a positive approach and a negative approach. But it really does take both. From 6 to 12, the grade school years, think of that as training. Okay?
What does a trainer do? You go through the drills. You go through the exercises. You stop the player at any time and tell them, Okay? We need to make some corrections here. You explain the reasons. You show them what to do and how to do it. Just like a practice session that you're getting them ready for real life.
There's no, we all know that we're not going to be with our kids 24 hours a day. But something or someone is going to be training your children. Whether it's media, the school, friends. But someone's going to be training your child. Times have to be very... Very intentional. I know for us, again, just for us, we always, we try to have the kids would sit with us instead of friends. Because we always wanted to be the loudest voice. You know, am I putting in enough time to where I'm still the loudest voice? And because of my position. And again, positional authority is like the lowest form. You're going to relational authority. Okay? Okay? But right now, you're not... Now, this is going to be like, oh, you're not called to be their friend. You're called to be their parent.
That doesn't mean that they can't like you and enjoy being with you. But you're not... They're going to have a lot of friends. But they're only going to have you as parents. And again, that's the goal in the relationship. Just like with us and the Lord. If we only know Jesus as our brother. And we do not know God as our father or the king or the Lord or all those things that he is. Then we have a very narrow view, don't we? And things are distorted.
So we continue to ask ourselves why. And we tell them at the appropriate level. Because we're starting to get their heart involved and their conscience. Because they're getting older. Legalism is where everything is black and white. White, immoral or moral. And you've made no room for strength and weaknesses. If you do not develop a conscience and you always train them, it's because mom and dad said so. Or it's yes. Or it's no. Or it's black. Or it's white. They have no reasoning skills. And all they know is in this particular moment, mom said no. But if I have not given them the skills that later on that week, maybe they're at a friend's house and something happens. And they have no way of knowing, is that okay? Is that not okay? And then you get a child that lives in fear because they have no skills themselves to make the moral decisions without you being the referee right there.
There are six natural relationships. This is so easy and so good that will help develop godly character. And it's things that, again, you're teaching them.
You're teaching them, but you're teaching yourself too. And these are six areas of respect. And, again, you're taking it back to the father. Authority. You're going to help your kids respect authority. Why? Because God is the ultimate authority. And so, and we sabotage ourselves, you know, because when you start in on really being intentional, you'll see that the Holy Spirit starts showing you places. Where you are not respecting authority, right? And so, we're growing along with our kids in all these areas. Respect parents, right? It's the fifth commandment. So, respect age. Why? Because he's the oldest living being, right? We're supposed to be having wisdom. We respect our elders. But God, ultimately, is there anybody older? Is there any being older than him? And so, you figure out, okay, I'm going to give up my seat.
To somebody, give your children ways to act these out. Or we're going to go to the nursing home. Or we're going to, you know, find ways to show them, but always take them back to the father. My siblings and friends, property, nature. If you will get those six things and point them back to the Lord, then that helps develop their character. Like, why do you respect property? But he owns everything, doesn't he? And so, you respect. You respect others' property and their time and their space. And it's practical things, you know? So, like, a child goes over and starts picking your neighbor's flowers. Well, it's, you know, like, you know, get over here. Don't pick their flowers. But that's a teaching moment.
Why are you not going to pick their flowers, you know? And it's just little things like that that you put in these little nuggets and point them back to the father. The coaching stage, think of that as junior high and high school. So, now you've trained them, and now you're going to put them in the game of life, okay? Because you're not going to be with them near as much, are you? And you can call in plays. You can call timeouts for short periods of time. And you can correct. And you can put them in and back to the game of life. But you're pretty much on the sidelines, aren't you? And here's the ugly truth, too. Sometimes, like, as a coach, you have to go, you know, I didn't train them real well in that area. Or, you know, we need to run that play again, you know? I gave you this responsibility. Let's just say I let you pick out the shows that you're going to watch, and you made some bad choices. And so we're going to pull them back to the training stage, okay? It's not, well, if you act like a baby, I'm going to treat you like a baby. That doesn't teach anything, okay? We just kind of blow our fuse. But if we say, we need to have some more training in this. So we're going to back up, and you're not going to be able to make those choices anymore. I will help you make those choices, okay? Go ahead. Another thing, when we go back, sometimes we have to say, you know, this is on me. I didn't prepare you for that, you know? I see that, you know, again, like, they ran an offense, and we didn't have that defense, you know, prepared for that or whatever. Sometimes... And I've had to do this in my classrooms and things. We don't have to have a sneak attack. We can sit them down and say, okay, we need to work on this, and this is what we're going to do. I have failed in this area. I don't know. I have let you talk back to me, and I bought the lie that we were in a discussion, okay? That I'm telling on myself. Or that we needed to talk about this or whatever. Because I can remember one of the kids, you know, had gotten in trouble for talking back to a teacher, and I'm like, what in the world? And then it was like, Lisa, you have been, quote, in your discussions, and I knew, you know, that it was me, okay? And so, you know, repented to him, told him, so here's what we're going to do from here on out. Don't just kind of start in on stuff. You won't get near the result as if you sit them down and say, maybe it's them.
I realized that, you know, here's what we're going to do from here on forward. Do you understand? And these are going to be the consequences. And the more that you communicate, the better the result that you're going to be. Because sometimes you think they know your expectations, but they don't, okay? And, yeah, the more clear, the better. The other thing that's always good is to just periodically, if you find yourself like, you know, I'm just so frustrated. I don't understand. I don't understand why they keep doing the same thing or blah blah blah. And then here we go with our shotgun or our machine gun, and we try to change 20 things in five days, and we're just shooting all over the place, and we're not accomplishing anything. Sit down and ask yourself, what is the one thing that I really need to change? And, I mean, we used to write it down, you know, in mom's group, and then we would even come back, you know, and report. And it's interesting because sometimes it's a 10-minute fix, and it's been running your day for six months. And then you're like, oh, my word, you know. Be clear. This is what we're working on. This will be the consequence. And be sure you are consistent. And hear me. If you're really not ready to pay the price, don't start in with them, okay? Do not halfway start in because it'll just blow. It'll blow up in your face. Then the next time you try it, you won't, it will be ineffective, okay?
So when it becomes important enough to you that your child sleeps through the night, then work on that, okay? This is another thing, and I know this is, and we've all been here, though. So, you know, working with moms or whatever, and sometimes there's that mom whose child is the exception to every rule. Okay? And I know that works for y'all, but it just doesn't work for me. Again, it may not, but when you're talking about principles, those are non-negotiable. How you apply the principle is, and when you're talking about God's word, that is not just another opinion. If that's what the word says, then that's what the word says. And then we, you know, delve in the word. We get godly counsel. We can get books. But again, the amount of books that are out there that are well-intended, there's a lot of just behavior modification things out there. And if you don't walk it back to the word, then you're not going to complete the cycle. And they don't have that principle, okay? And so, again, try to bring it back to the word. Let them know. Let them know what you're doing. And at the end, from the 18 and older, and those, you know, these are not strict things. Because, I mean, you may have a person that's out and on their own, and then maybe they're still at the house. And so that's different and all those kind of things. But that's when the friendship part, the sweet time, and it's just like a harvest time, you know? It's seasons of life. And you're not... You're not going to get it perfect. We sure didn't get it perfect.
There's one thing that I wanted to show you real quickly, too, that is such a good example. And it's the principle of the funnel with choices. And how, obviously, at the beginning, there's not very many choices. And sometimes, I thought this was so good. Freedoms that are greater than self-control will produce confusion. When you give a toddler... Too much freedom, okay? Too many choices that are above where their self-control is, it will confuse them. When you have freedom that is less freedom... I'm sorry. Yeah, less than self-control, it develops frustration. Freedoms that are equal to their self-control produce harmony. We can addict kids to choices, and we don't know that we're doing that. One easy way to know is when you don't give them a choice. Do they still obey to your voice? Okay? Which is what you were doing at the very beginning.
It's because I'm mom and dad. I'm in that position of authority. God does not have to explain himself to us all the time, does he? There are things that we're not going to understand. There are choices that he is not going to give us. And so, this was... I just wanted to read this. I just felt like I was supposed to read this. It's breakfast time. You're in the kitchen with your four-year-old. You just poured orange juice in the red cup. Upon noticing it, he politely reminds you that his cup is the blue one. Oh, yes, you smile and you make the switch. He also informs you of his desire to have grape juice this morning instead of the orange juice that you had out. Oh, no problem. Both of them are healthy. So, you pour the orange juice in the glass and the grape juice in his. You begin to butter Jason's toast. He decides that today he would like jam instead of butter. Well, that can be for you and putting on another slice of toast in for Jason. And you put the jam on it and it's no big deal. So, after breakfast, it's reading time. And you say to him, sit here to my right and I'll read you a story. But Jason decides to sit on your left on the big pillow. And you say, well, let's read the story today. But Jason picks another story, his favorite. And off the two of you go. So, you go for a 15-minute adventure. And after reading time, your son informs you, mom, I'm going to go play on the swing set. Okay, says mom. Thanks for letting me know. So far, the morning has been rather easy. No conflicts, no trials. At noontime, you instruct Jason to put away his toys and you get ready for lunch and a short nap. And your instructions are met with, no, mom, I'm going to have lunch later. I'm playing with my trucks right now. You respond by repeating your instructions with firmness. But Jason is equally firm. Firm about his opposition to those instructions. And soon, your little tempest becomes a storm. And a small skirmish becomes an outright battle of the wills.
Frustrated and discouraged, you ask yourself the question, why am I experiencing such behavior from my son? After all, haven't I been more than fair with him all morning, meeting his needs and desires? Why am I getting such resistance and defiance? By working through the following questions, we can start to piece together, a pattern of behavior leading to the conflict. Consider the following interaction. Who decided that it would be the blue cup or the red cup? The child. Who decided it would be grape juice and not orange juice? The child. Who decided that it would be jam instead of butter? And so you go on and on. It's time for lunch and he says no. And why not? Because in Jason's mind, he's been deciding and ordering his life all day long. For Jason... Jason having the final word is a way of life. So mom's instructions are an intrusion. And Jason has become wise in his own eyes. Falsely self-sufficient.
The problem isn't simply the result of giving a child the freedom to decide which cup he will drink out of. The conflict is born out of the fact that young children like Jason cannot handle the power associated with decision-making. Prior to establishing self-regulating moral conscience. Please understand that it's not giving choices that it's the culprit. It's too many too early. Developmentally, young children prior to development of self-regulating moral conscience cannot handle the power associated with decision-making. Unlimited choices in many non-moral activities of the day will carry over to the future. To the moral arena. The privilege of saying no to orange juice is transferred, should be to mom. Can you say no and they still be okay? And so it may just be something simple as being aware that there's nothing wrong with giving the choices. But can you still not give them a choice and they be okay? And so when you do those things, and you see the pattern, then moderate it, okay? And it goes all the way through. You can extend choices, but you don't have to give choices. There's a difference in that. And unknowingly, there was a book that came out several years ago, and it was real big on giving three choices all the time. And I mean all the time. And? And it never would get back to the sin. And the book that I have used for years, and I have it over here, and it's out of print, and I've given the notebook away so many times I had to order another notebook this week.
But I have some books over here. This one was called Growing Kids God's Way. And it was Amy, Bev, Opal, all of us, we got that thing, and we studied it. And it has a tremendous amount of wisdom in it. And it isn't legalistic. It is just, you know, just truth. And the people that did that, they later, when they did away with that, they're the ones that did the baby wise, and the toddler, and all that. They just took that notebook, and they chopped it up. But there's some things over there, all those pieces of paper, I found these were things that I used to use in a mom's group. And a lot of them are just chapters, and these books that I had run off for lessons.
And so you're free to take any of those pieces of paper. Couple more things. Don't make promises like, you can do this when you're such and such an age. That can backfire big time. Because, you know, we can be 70 years old, and still teenagers in some areas, okay? You're looking for self-control. And just because one child, maybe you gave that privilege when they were 16, if they didn't have that privilege, if the other one at 16 is really 13, so don't lock yourself into that. The last thing I want to say is enjoy your kids. Enjoy your kids.
Live life with your kids. God has got your back. I started crying this afternoon. And just thinking, you know, when you start digging into all these things, and you start teaching, you're just like, oh my gosh, Lord, I did that wrong. I did that wrong. Well, I taught that. Well, I knew that. Well, why did I do that? And all those things. And I looked back, and I thought, Jesus, but you had it all the time. So even with all this information that we have put out, take a breath and relax. Because when you look back, Jesus has it. And I used to say this, and it's true. And I don't know why I'm saying it, but I want to say it. Ladies, nobody cares what you look like in a swimsuit this summer. Play with yourself. Play with your kids. Get in the pool. Just be you. Okay? Remember, God chose you to be their parent. And you, you will do a great job. And the Holy Spirit has your back. And this is supposed to be fun. It is hard work. But it's the most rewarding thing. You will always be their parent. And every season has hard things. And every season has wonderful things. And so, with that, that's it.
So good. A couple of things real quick. We've got the QR code here for resources. So if you haven't dialed into that, please do it. I'm going to go ahead and ask our Elder Deacons and Family Life Minister team to come up and make themselves available. Let's be on this side tonight so that we can leave this side open for the resources you guys can come up and peruse through the books and all the teaching materials that Lisa and Ed provided. Also, if you would, if you want to visit, please go outside if you would. So that we can just create a ministry time here. And you know, culture would probably say that tonight was old. I'm just telling you, like, this is the blueprint. And I want to encourage husbands. You are the doorway to your home. So as you go, so as your family goes. Keep that in mind, just in terms of the decisions you make, what you look at, what you ingest, everything. I can remember one quick story. Linnea and I, we're working with a Christian therapist when our kids were fairly little. And one of them was having some behavioral issues and we were trying to work back to the root of what the issue was. And it turned out to be rebellion. It was just a root of rebellion. And I had the therapist ask me, said, where's the rebellion in your life? And I mean, the Holy Spirit just dropped it on me in a moment. And we prayed, we repented. We never even had to correct her. Because she's an overflow of us, right? That's not an always or never thing. But in that instance, she was really reflecting what the head of the home was exhibiting. And so sometimes when you're dealing with things with your kids, go to the Lord and say, what is it that you want to do in me? And so, so thank you guys again for the time and the preparation and the wisdom. Last thing before we go to prayer, man, we're a family. Don't do this alone. Who are you drawing from that is the generation before you? Like, seek wise counsel. Seek spiritual family. Draw, ask, ask questions. We want to be the spiritual family that supports one another, amen, in life. So I'm going to pray. And then when I'm done, you're dismissed for the evening. But if you want to come up and have any type of conversation with Ed, Lisa, or any of the couples here, if you need prayer, we definitely want to take the time to do that. So Father, we just draw upon the Holy Spirit right now, Father. We ask that the Holy Spirit would guide, direct, even convict, if need be, Father, and comfort us as parents. Father, help us see again what we don't see for the sake of your glory being manifest in our families, in our households, and in our children. We thank you, Lord, for this time tonight, in Jesus' name. Amen. We'll see you again next week on marriage. So we'll be here at the same time, same night. Amen. You're dismissed.
